Hey You, if you are looking for a reason to smile do look in the mirror. You are that reason.
After the long walk back home from seeing my best friend off I was pretty much exhausted. I fell into bed with my socks on and sleep took over. There should be an ‘aww’ cued right after that but it wasn’t as peaceful as it sounds. At least not for one of us. My African Bead was just plain restless. And I would have blamed myself but there’s no fun in that. I blame sleep!! Yhup, sleep. Falling asleep meant I couldn’t text her to keep safe like I do immediately I watch her enter her ride home. I know, I know, it’s not much of a big deal on a normal day but tonight was different. She just handed me an envelope with something I’m supposed to read in it. And although I hadn’t read it yet – because of sleep – she assumed I had and that was why I hadn’t sent her the ‘keep safe’ text yet. Haha, at this point she’s the only one that can describe how she felt.
I felt ouuuhh!!! [more grunts] Why did I write that poem in the first place? Me and this my stupid guilt! I’m almost home and I still haven’t heard his assigned notification beep through. I wonder what he’s thinking about now. It’s not like I wrote that I loved him or anything. Oh wait I did but it’s not like in that sense. And I believe we’ve reached that point in our friendship where confusing how we relate to anything way deeper just doesn’t happen. So why?!! Why can’t I stop thinking about what he’d think.
Dinner didn’t go too well. Mum and her boyfriend permitted me to eat in my room. That didn’t help anything. Looks like the food is helping me wait for that text too. Brilliant!! “Should I just call him?” I asked the broasted chicken thigh stabbed by my fork. For a second there I almost expected a reply.
I didn’t call him….yet. I left him a text. After about 20 ‘Jim!!!!’ texts went without reply, my brain automatically made its mind up. “I scared him away.” As playful as that thought felt, deep down I knew that triggered what I was scared of the most. The fear of losing Jim. Believe it or not everything I wrote in that poem is the plain truth. I owe a lot to him especially getting a life I feel I don’t deserve. Most ladies are scared of the dark, or roaches or falling down in heels; I’m scared of losing my best friend.
We hardly ever spoke yet he sat by me in class. All his efforts to communicate back fired simply because I had no intention of befriending anyone. Not even Jim, my sitting partner. I knew I was very pretty and the cat whistles from the boys across the hallways reminded me everyday. I had been disappointed so many times in life that I just stopped opening up. My teachers used to call mum and dad to meet them almost every term of the year. They went on about how much potential I had and how I hardly put any efforts to make the possibilities real. The disgust I felt whenever dad told the teachers he’d see to it that I do better. What kind of evil person touches his own daughter? And the sad part is mum doesn’t know what kind of monster she goes to bed to at night.
I laid down crying the white stuff out. It would have been nice if I could get off the bathroom floor and leave school for home. It’s already been two hours since school closed and the sun light coming through the window didn’t stop fading. This wasn’t my first time sniffing coke and so I had a pinch of surprise when this started happening. My heart beat picked up 5 times it’s normal rhythm and I slowly felt my life leaving my body. It felt like there wasn’t anymore oxygen left on earth and every attempt to breathe in caused so much pain. “Oh God, I hate my life but it’s all I have now. I can’t lose it too!! It’s so not fair” my tears cried out. And as if my prayers took the fast route this time; I heard the door to the ladies’ open. I expected it to be one of the show off brainiacs in the all girl science team. Those ladies leave school later than the rest. Someone dragged me out of the stall I was having the panic attack in and laid me in the middle of the bathroom. She had facial hair?!!!
Before I could attempt to set myself free from his grip the janitor had already torn off my undies. I instantly cursed myself for wearing skirts. I was weak, out of breath and at the verge of losing my life and the best this lowlife could do was to rape me. That’s when I decided to let go. I just stopped struggling. I no longer wanted to hold on to life. My last prayer was for this man on top of me to live a long life. Long enough to see his daughter and granddaughter get raped the same way I was. And then my eyes shut.
He suddenly stopped. I could hear struggle. The voice sounded familiar. It kept on yelling “you monster, what have you done!!” I let out a chuckle when I heard my mind say to me, “My Saviour run late.”
My eyes flung open and I was in a hurry to get them shut again when I realised I was in a hospital. I hated hospitals! But I hated myself even more for not remembering how on earth I got admitted. Last time I remembered I was living my normal introverted life and had just stopped by the bathroom to do drugs.
There was a stranger fast asleep across the room and his snore was just ridiculous. I used to imagine me getting admitted because I was heartbroken and waking up to see balloons and a lot of teddy bears.
“Jim?!” No that can’t be right. What at all would Jim be doing sleeping on the floor in my ward. I could have sworn I had seen Jim in those clothes before. He let out a few gibberish remarks after I tried calling him a couple of times more. And then as though his soul finally reached his body from dream world he woke up abruptly.
“Ya-ya-ya-you’re awake?!” He seemed rather shocked. “Doctor, she’s awake!!!!” Jim continued to yell as he sped out of the room. Not even a ‘hi how are you feeling?’ Wow! It wasn’t long till the masked man walked in with Jim following close by. He said what every doctor says at this point and told me that I’d have to spend another week in the hospital. ‘Another!!!’
“How long was I out cold for and what exactly caused this?!” I wished I hadn’t asked. It all came back so quick, so hard, I just bursted out crying. I remembered it all now and I suddenly felt fear tickle up and down my body. The doctor excused us as he took my crying as a cue that I needed time alone. Jim was leaving also. I wanted him to. And then he stopped and hurried towards my bed and gave me the tightest and warmest hug ever. I wanted him to stay!